Top Ten Reasons Why I will Never Fly Again
1. Every airport is perpetually undergoing major renovations.
2. In the past, check-in was usually a disagreeable experience due to the surly agent awaiting you behind the counter. But at least she was a homo sapien. Now you have to deal with a surly automated check-in machine.
3. The routine physical by the family doc in a closed room can be a bit embarrassing. The routine strip search conducted by the TSA thugs in an open arena is psychological torture.
4. I am on the TSA “selectee” watch list. I don’t know what I have done to earn this distinction (the TSA refuses to give their criteria). Whatever my crime, flying with this scarlet letter embroidered across my chest makes check-in and screening even more burdensome.
5. Being verbally accosted at ten decibels by a talking head in a monitor giving instruction on how to buckle my seat belt is irritating. Having to hear the same instruction repeated en Español is insufferable.
6. Based on a lifetime’s experience, I have established that the odds of sitting next to a demon-possessed, projectile-vomiting four-year old is better than 2:1.
7. In the past, a polite young stewardess made an otherwise miserable experience bearable. Today a rude old hag-of-a-flight attendant or, worse, a polite young “metrosexual” steward, make an otherwise miserable experience wretched. (The apostles were served by Martha and Mary, not Martha and Harry. I expect no less.)
8. For my wife, flying with four small children was difficult. But now, flying with four small children without water, diaper lotion, and baby formula is insanity.
9. After the stress of surviving the first leg of my odyssey and having a few moments before the connecting flight departs, a few drags on the pipe is a needed catharsis. But there is no smoking in most airports. And the few that allow it confine smokers to transparent plexiglass holding cells where they are on display as examples for the more clean-living members of the traveling herd.
10. Airline food was always bad, now they make you pay for it.
As I sit here puffing my pipe and pondering these ten reasons, I’m struck that #9 is far more profound than meets the eye. At first blush, it seems like a throw-away grievance. But no.
For us, it establishes that there exist modes of living by which one can transcend, if only in a private world, the bestial foolishness that the Republicans are creating as the new order.
On the other hand, it sets in contrast our pitiable fellow citizens who don’t even crave a smoke. Through no fault of their own other than their own sinful compliance, they have been cajoled, badgered, and manipulated into taking a stiff-upper-lip, stoical attitude toward every humiliation and mockery dished out by our rulers. When they blurt out their mournful “thank you for saving us” to the bureaucrat that is oppressing them, our attitude to them should not be limited to the natural one of despising.
As Patton said, “I pity those poor bastards. I really do.”
A couple puffs on the pipe captures it beautifully.
Comment by Tim H — September 22, 2006 @ 1:16 am
How about the perpetual mind numbing electronic voice which every minute or so, over the loud speaker utters the almighty words, “The department of Homeland Security, yadda yadda yadda, due to an increased level of terror, yadda yadda yadda, we are now at the level orange, yadda yadda yadda, turn in anyone and everyone who “looks suspicious”, yadda yadda yadda.” They do however alternate every minute between a male and female automated voice. We remained at the level orange for my entire trip, they kept me well updated. Orange is a nice level, I suppose, to bad I have no idea what the orange level is, it doesn’t sound all that terrifying. Now, blazing inferno red, dripping with blood and guts, and violent screams and shrieks of terror; that sounds a bit more intimidating!
Comment by josh — September 26, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
Josh - It is a good thing, (or bad, depending on your perspective), that Homeland Security did not raise the threat level to red during your travels. If they had, you would have probably not been allowed to board your flying cattle car. According the DHS web page, here are just two of things that can happen when the red lights go on:
Monitoring, redirecting, or constraining transportation systems; and
Closing public and government facilities.
Since highways and are part of the transportation system and stores, offices and factories are public facilities, citizens may not be allowed to drive their cars or work in their cubicles during a red alert. And, if children are attending school at the time (whether government or private), parents may be prohibited from bringing them home. In other words, code red means martial law.
This all may seem unpleasant, but if you consider the alternative — terrorists robbing of us our freedoms — it is well worth it. I believe it was William Wallace who said (or was it Bill O’Reilly?), “Giving up a little freedom today is that best way to ensure greater freedom tomorrow.”
Comment by MRB — September 26, 2006 @ 2:43 pm
Actually, I think Josh makes an excellent point. Labeling the “threat” level as “orange” or “red” has little value. These are just abstractions. Red what? Red roses? Red rainbows? How do I know that red means danger rather than gaurded? Re-labeling our color scheme into familiar, or better yet exotic, nouns has so much more depth. Take for example “tan.” No one immediately likes the color tan; it is too easily associated with that infamous white Anglo-Saxon protestant we all hate. Why say “tan,” and leave the association open when you can say champagne? No longer is it an abstraction readily attributed to any negative context—now it has only one referent, a delectable beverage. That is how I want to remember my time at the airport—with pumpkin patch cautions and poinsettia martial order.
Comment by JonathanB — September 28, 2006 @ 10:47 pm
JonathanB,
Great! In fact I can even picture in my mind a cheesy government sponsored t.v. commercial, satiated with all the latest t.v. commercial magic, where a black or Latino woman in full uniform’s punch line is “That is how I want to remember my time at the airport—with pumpkin patch cautions and poinsettia martial order.” To spice it up a bit, in pure propaganda mode, have everyone at the airport look like they are just floating on cloud nine, as happy and serene as a child warmly snuggled against his mothers bosom. Present the T.S.A’s as a mix between Ronald McDonald and John Wayne, strong, assertive and just as happy and pleasant as can be, with a grin from ear to ear, putting their arm around your shoulder and helping you out as Ronald welcomes you to the golden arches paradise. Make sure that you have a T.S.A of every race, and a couple in wheel chairs, why not toss some in at the doors, greeting you like they do at Wal-Mart. And of course, one must not forget to make the commercial with deep blues and bright reds and well, white whites – make it appear as though going to the airport is deeply patriotic. As the commercial winds to a close, and you have the image of a child giving the thumbs up to the Chinese T.S.A person, with one leg, the narrator say’s, maybe even with an American flag waving in the background, “That is how I want to remember my time at the airport—with pumpkin patch cautions and poinsettia martial order.”
Comment by josh — October 8, 2006 @ 7:42 pm
There is an LRC conference that I would attend if it did not require flying. But I would urge our readers on the left coast that could drive there to consider attending.
It occurs to me, that if Bush’s Hundred Years War is carried on by both Parties of Washington during my lifetime, that it is possible I may never see the Golden State again. That is a shame. A minor shame; but a shame.
Comment by Tim H — November 28, 2006 @ 11:49 am
It occurs to me that there might be a silver lining to all this, if enough people drop out of flying in disgust. Conferences and vacations will take on a more local or regional character. It could be a step forward toward agrarianism.
Comment by Tim H — December 1, 2006 @ 10:29 am
It’s hardly fair to the British to compare the Bush family’s wars in the gulf region (WIG) to the “Hundred Years War” (HYW). HYW was essentially a dispute over sovereignty of the territory of France. WIG is essentially the repression of the sovereignty of Iraq.
As an aside, from a technological perspective the reaction has been toward improvements in and further reliance on video teleconferencing. I’m not sure whether that favors your vision of what agrarianism should look like.
Furthermore, you may find an additional reason not to fly with the implementation of backscatter X-ray technology in (I think) Pheonix (coming as soon as possible to all major airports, I’m guessing).
-Turretinfan
Comment by TurretinFan — December 1, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
And, lest anyone later should accuse me of being a hypocrite, let me confess right now that I’m planning to vacation in Berlin over the holidays, and I’m going to fly.
I hate it that I have to fly, given the current conditions.
But I’m willing to submit to it for a greater good.
Comment by Tim H — December 2, 2006 @ 10:10 pm
TurretinFan - I think my colleague was referring to the duration of the war not the cause of it. But you are right about the x-ray machines. I’ll keep track of all the objections to flying that I missed and follow up with, “Ten more reasons I will never fly again.”
Tim H. - To see the land of Beethoven and Bach and to hear Waltraud Meier sing Isolde is a sufficient to board Chattel Airlines. No apologies necessary.
Comment by MRB — December 7, 2006 @ 5:29 pm
I will not fly again because of the following:
1) Checking and Monitoring style of passengers like in the old Soviet Union– creepy.
2)Cheaply maintained planes and no real choices of air carriers.
3) Outdated technology. I want antigravity not jets.
4)Airport security causing me airport insecurity. Nobody can wave goodbye to anyone anymore.
5)The cost of tickets.
6)Germs of fellow passengers.
7)Recycled air in plane.
8)Air Traffic Controllers working long shifts with little relief.. not enough employees to do the job right.
9)911 and the lack of Truth about why NORAD didn’t scramble jets. Bad pictures left in my mind.
10)Insurance scams and put options: I don’t want to be in a plane that somebody is going to make money off of it going down.
That is why I never want to fly again. Flying makes me nervous.
Comment by katie — March 3, 2007 @ 7:25 pm
Good news. The TSA has finally nabbed the notorious “Sippy Cup Bomber.”
Comment by MRB — July 3, 2007 @ 5:31 pm